The RMSEF
by Sheep
Summary: Oneshot. They ran out of beer at Seventh Heaven! On their way out to get more, the gang of FFVII are set against a horrible, terrible yet perfectly graceful foe: The Mary Sue... [insert dramatic music]


One shot. Shall edit with CONSTRUCTIVE criticism later.

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It was late in Edge and the gang of Final Fantasy VII was relaxing outside of Tifa's Seventh Heaven bar to watch the stars go by. By the wonderful magic of fandom and fanfiction, even the lovely flower girl Aerith was chatting energetically with the others.

Tifa came back out of Seventh Heaven with empty pitchers in her hands. "Bad news, guys. We're out of beer."

"What!" Everyone exclaimed in horror.

"I'm sorry! But _somebody_ forgot to pick up the refilled tanks from the brewery," she said as she glared in the direction of Cloud's spiky blond hair. "Cloud! It's your fault that we ran out!"

"Okay. So?"

"Go out and get more. We're thirsty."

Cloud slowly turned to look at her, his own empty tankard in his hand. "You want me to go and get beer from the brewery at 2 o'clock in the morning? Are you insane, Tifa?"

"I think she's drunk," joked Barret as he drained his own tankard. "But we do need more booze. I say we all go and find some!"

"Sounds like a plan to me!" Cid jumped up from the crate he was sprawled on and slightly drunkenly helped Aerith from her feet, who giggled and took his hand to get up.

Tifa went back inside to drop off the pitchers at the bar, called to Marlene and Denzel to behave themselves no matter what they might hear or be forced to do by the evil, evil authors around the world and went back outside, locking up the building. "Hey, wait up!"

The whole team strolled through the city through the night, leaving behind their tankards and for Tifa to catch up.

"I think," hiccupped Yuffie as she held onto Reeve Tuesti by the arm for support, "that… that… um… thing. Yeah." She looked up at Reeve and giggled. "You're pretty and you've got fur on your face."

"Thanks, Yuffie but you're drunk."

"Nooooooooooooooooo… I'm _not_ drunk. Says you!"

"Trust me, princess," Red XIII said, "You're drunk."

"So're you. Your face, Red!"

"I'm not drunk," Red XIII said matter-of-factly and kept walking.

"You're walking into a wall, Red," Vincent said, watching him carefully. "Stop. Stop walking… Red, you're going to smash into the wall. Why aren't you listening to me, Red? Red!"

BOSH. Red XIII literally walked head-on into a solid concrete wall and stayed standing there for a few seconds. "… Ow."

Flump. He slid sideways and laid there on his side. "That kind of hurt… Wow."

The rest of the gang burst out in drunken laughter while Vincent made his way over to Red XIII to attempt to get the animal to get up and walk properly.

All of a sudden, the stars began to twinkle with a mysterious, other-worldly magic and many of the characters began to feel strange, though they vaguely knew what was about to happen.

"Oh, no," moaned Aerith, "not again! Tifa, we've got to do something!"

"Ooohh…" Tifa swayed where she stood, holding her head. "I feel kind of funny."

Aerith also held her head and fell to the floor, groaning. "So do I… This can only mean one thing! She's coming back!"

Cloud had wandered down the street, hypnotized and in a daze. Barret, Cid and Yuffie (though barely noticing that something was happening) looked around fearfully, sensing that something dangerous and vile was coming near but unable to move. Even Vincent was rendered helpless with Red XIII paralyzed by that same mysterious power.

"Cloud!" Vincent called to him with difficulty. "Cloud, you've been through this before! You've got to fight it!"

The young blond emo-brooding bishonen kept walking to a courtyard that had suddenly and conveniently appeared, complete with sparkling blue water that shimmered in the starlight with the aid of a hundred packets of craft glitter and blue food dye.

"But I can't help it," Cloud said over his shoulder in a stupid daze, now as useful to the party as condoms are to a $3 hooker; there's no point to protect since they've been fucked over so many times in a day.

Like an explosion of Fruitopia, the sky erupted in a cascade of horribly bright shiny colors that were thought to only be seen on a very severe drug hallucination.

A slender girl of 16 suddenly dropped out of the sky and daintily fell onto the cobblestone with a small gasp. She lay there for a moment covered in her long, silky red hair that glowed without any help from the stars or moon. Her pouty lips trembled as she pushed herself up and Cloud ran over to her.

Yes, _she_ had arrived.

"Are you alright?" Cloud asked her kindly and helped her up onto her ridiculously small feet.

"im OK," she replied in a lilting voice and beamed her amazing smile at him, somehow causing him to smile back. "Buti think i hurt my ankle when i fell. Where am i, anyway?"

Against her will, Tifa glared at the new girl and said roughly, "Midgar. Don't u even kno where you are? Who teh hell are you.?"

"Don't mind her," Cloud said coldly. "What's ur name?"

"Crystallis Serena Anastasia Contessa Banana Fanna Lay Onna Pile of Origami the Third. But everyone calls me Crystal."

Reeve, being one who was usually looked over by such devious magic yelled out at him, "Cloud! Snap out of it, man! She's a Mary Sue! KILL HER!"

But, alas, Cloud had been fully enveloped in the magic of the Sue's enchanting perfection of her lilac eyes. Everyone else had been rendered immobilized and couldn't even move for the life of them.

They knew what was going to happen and it was not going to be pretty. It was bad enough that they were being forced to see Cloud degraded into a pathetic lapdog with the IQ of a tomato. Soon, all would be infected by her magic and be forced to talk in horrible chatspeak with the common sense of the entire world being thrown right out the window.

Not only that, each time a new Mary Sue would appear, the precious fabric of their world would be shattered by the Mary Sue's lack of logic, canon and simple common sense in how the basic laws of science work.

"Not another one!" Yuffie said, only now being able to realize who she was. "Somebody needs to get rid of her before we all go insane again!"

"She's a true abomination," grumbled Vincent, unable to move while Cloud and Thou-Who-Has-Too-Many-Stupid-Names were exchanging the first signs of True Love, also known as getting absolutely stupid off your ass.

"Oh Cloud," sighed the self-named Crystal, "u'd really do that for me?"

Cloud nodded woodenly with glazed over eyes like a puppet.

"Oh, Cloud!" She moved to throw her arms around him and kiss him.

Thank Holy something stopped her! A sudden blast of light smashed into her and sent her flying across the courtyard, snapping almost everybody in the team back to their senses.

"Cloud!" Aerith, being closer, rushed over and shook him. "Cloud, are you okay?"

He just stood there, eyes unfocused and still under the Mary Sue's clutches. The rest of the party quickly shook off the hold the Sue had over them, Tifa keeping a close eye on the shocked body of Crystal.

"That was her, right?" A rather muscular woman came down the street holding a very large gun that was almost in the same class as Barret's GunArm. "That's the right one this time?"

"Yeah," replied a very imposing man. As he came into view, his large head was heavily scarred.

Crystal, being a Mary Sue, let out a blood-curdling scream that most certainly woke up the dead just to get up and tell her to shut the hell up when she saw the man's face. "UGLINESS! GET AWAY FROM ME!"

She tried running back to Cloud in his veggie-like state but Aerith used one of the green materia that Cloud was holding to send her flying away from them.

"You guys have gotta let me stay here!" She pleaded. "Ive got nwohere else togo cuz everyone hates me at skool and mom's never at home and my brother always says bad things to me and OMG YOU STAY AWAY FROM ME!"

The heavy set man just took a couple steps closer with a pair of handcuffs in his hands.

Another girl with glasses on and her hair tied up very messily came out of the shadows but from behind the party and rushed at the Sue, sneaking up behind her.

The Sue screamed in horrible pain, getting shocked by the 10,000-volt taser the girl had just shocked her with.

Vincent helped his own disgust of Mary Sues by shoving Crystal back to the now-degrading fountain of sparkly evilness and into the arms of the man with a scarred face, causing Crystal to shriek in horror and sizzle like the Wicked Witch of the West.

The girl with the taser in her hand pulled out a badge to show everyone.

"Sorry for the interruption," she said as she pushed her glasses up her nose and another piece of her messy brown hair fell out. "We're from the Rampaging Mary Sue Eradication Force."

"If you'd like us to, we'll go ahead and uh…" The woman with the BFG thought for a second for the best wording possible. "'Remove' the problematic Mary Sues from your lives. For a certain fee, of course."

Crystal's eyes were now a feral purple while she struggled in the man's arms. He asked them, having no problem keeping her in his arms, "What say you?"

"Do it," they said in unison. The look on Cloud's face since he was recovering from the magic told them all that he would've preferred to kill her himself.

The agents of the RMSEF got to work quickly and smoothly.

The man pushed the Mary Sue away from him, towards the fountain that she had brought into Edge. The girl with glasses ran as fast as she could and sent a full blast of anti-Sue power from her taser through Crystal in a powerful uppercut, similar to the movements of Loz and his dualhound.

Crystal screamed but was quickly paralyzed by the taser's blast. Flying through the air, she barely registered the blast of light that was coming from the BFG.

She soared across the night sky, blood streaming from her every orifice before everything she had brought into existence into this world disappeared along with her.

Being constantly manipulated by the works of the Mary Sues to behave like little whores, both Tifa and Aerith both cheered rather loudly when Crystal was blown into pieces in the sky and the region turned back to normal.

Cloud returned to his senses while Vincent and Reeve went over to the agents to deal with the fees.

"What do we owe you?" Vincent asked, his deep voice showing no emotion as usual.

"Hmmm…" The woman set down her gun for a moment and thought. "If you tell the others in this world about us and spread our reputation in a good way, we'll give you a discount. Three pieces of that materia stuff."

The girl handed Reeve a small pack of business cards. "Spread them around. Our agency services all realms, worlds and stories to get rid of any and all rampaging Mary Sues."

Vincent easily produced three pieces of materia and handed them to the woman, who pocketed them. "If we need to call you again…"

"Just call the number on the card with your cell and we'll be there ASAP."

Vincent merely glared at her and nodded.

Without another word, the professional team of Mary Sue eradicators ran off into the night to respond to another call, leaving the Final Fantasy VII party alone in the night once more.

"Rampaging Mary Sue Eradication Force, huh?" Reeve said as he looked at the card.

"Mmm," Vincent replied and took a couple from him.

Red XIII managed to get to his feet and shake the dust from his fur. Unlike the others, he was fully paralyzed and unable even to speak. Cid was quick to complain loudly that he wasn't able to slash the Mary Sue to pieces while Tifa and Aerith were on their way in getting rid of the remnants of the Mary Sue off of themselves and Cloud.

Yuffie said loudly, "I thought we were getting beer!"

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A/N: Yes, I was bored and basically had nothing to do. Review if you really want to! I'll make revisions when I'm actually awake and properly sober. And yes, the terrible chatspeak was entirely on purpose.


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